Mark P. Henderson

Cludgehammersaga, as threatened in the immediately preceding blog

Cludgehammersaga: An excerpt translated from the Old Norse

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Forth went Thorfinn, mighty Hammer of Cludge

With his score of iron-clad warriors –

Twenty consignments of canned muscle,

Brandishing spears fierce and fire-hardened.

They pulled the foam-flecked oars and sang the songs

For which their wives had banished them from hearth and home,

And their longship harrowed the herrings’ haven

As the mad mole marches through mulch.

Then yelled Thorfinn, mighty Hammer of Cludge,

“Oy, you lot, shut up and listen!

Behold, wrought by the hand of Baldur the bow-legged,

Cunning in artifice, famed fabricator of fine furnishings

By appointment to Odin, Chairman of the Board of Deities,

Who likes Valhalla to be comfortable,

I have here a pair of miniature longships,

Which even as you watch I fasten over my boots

With straps of reindeer hide steeped in tallow;

And taking in my hands this pair of antlers

Fixed to long ropes, which are secured to our ship’s stern,

I step upon the water. Now, men, row fast,

Row harder than you have ever rowed,

Row till the ropes are taut and tight,

And I, mighty Hammer of Cludge,

Shall be Thorfinn Sea-Skimmer, Thorfinn Wave-Rider,

Thorfinn Cludgehammer, the world’s first water-skier!”

Twenty oars rose and fell, a feeding frenzy on water,

Thrashing the whale-road, faster and faster they clove the waves,

And Thorfinn laughed and roared, and the longships on his feet

Pranced foam-prowed over the seal’s path,

Until the crew, sea-weary, ceased their singing

And cried “Sod this for a lark!”

With swords they sliced the ropes from the ship’s stern

And rowed onward at gentler pace, pondering plunder;

But Thorfinn, dwindling into distance, cried

“You rotten lot! Come back! Just wait ‘til I glug glug glug gl…”